Richie: Well Eddie, we learn something new every day. Today I learned that you're a complete bastard! % [Facing imminent death] Eddie: You know, I think I might come back as a bra. Richie: What? Eddie: Well, all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation. Richie: When did you become a Buddhist? Eddie: About 5 seconds ago. And may I say it has completely changed my life! Richie: But you can't come back as a bra! That's just stupid! You have to come back as something organic. Eddie: All right, all right, I'm only a beginner you know! Errr... all right then, I'll come back as... ah! Claudia Schiffer! She's seriously organic! % Richie: [on various occasions seducing women, well, trying anyway] May I say, what a SMASHING blouse you have on? % Richie: Eddie, Eddie. What are you reading, Eddie? Eddie: I don't know, I'm too drunk to focus. % Eddie: That's it! I'm going to write to my M.P. Richie: Why? Eddie: Because I love her! Richie: [emphatically] Eddie! Tony Blair is a man! % Eddie: I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm... well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers. Richie: Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Woohoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?" % Eddie: This is a sex shop isn't it? Shop Assistant: Yes. Eddie: [slaps money down] I'll have five quid's worth then! Shop Assistant: Very droll sir, I've never heard that one before. Eddie: Haven't you? Shall I tell it again? Shop Assistant: No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum. Eddie: You've been working here too long mate. % Eddie: [reads letter] What's this? Annual membership to "Barbarella's Aerobic Fitness Centre"? Richie: Nothing to do with me. Eddie: It's got "Richard Richard" written on it. Richie: Ah. Er... Eddie: [reads] "Leotard"? Richie: Well, er, Eddie, none of us are getting any younger. I just pop along every Wednesday afternoon and firm up. Eddie: What, you stand at the back of a room full of girls jiggling their bottoms up and down and "firm up"? % [both watching a rented video] Richie: It's not very sexy, is it? Eddie: No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure". Richie: I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get? Eddie: "Big Jugs" [laughs] Richie: "Big Jugs"! All right! [reads box] Richie: "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else? Eddie: Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam". Richie: Yabba-dabba-doo! [reads] Richie: No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making." Eddie: Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"! % Eddie: What was your Red Indian name then? "Running Mouth"? "Sitting Down"? "Talking Bollocks"? Richie: "Dances With The Wind". Eddie: That'll be the curry again. % Richie: Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party. Eddie: You weren't ill, you just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green. I knew it was a hoax because the paint washed off when that enema backfired. % [Richie's date repeatedly knocks on the door] Richie: All right, all right! Take it easy you bitch! [pause] Richie: I mean, Your Bitchness... I mean Lady Bitch of, oh God Eddie, what do you call them? Eddie: Jugs, what do you call them? % [doing Crossword puzzle] Eddie: Err right. "Ironmonger", six letters. Oh, got it! "Harold". Richie: "Harold"? Eddie: Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger, remember? We ate his dog! Richie: Oh right, we bloody won that bet, didn't we? Eddie: No we didn't, that's why we had to eat his dog. % Richie: And they let children play this, you say? I mean, it's pretty strong stuff, isn't it Eddie? You know, knights TAKING prawns, and apparently if a prawn "goes all the way" he turns into a queen! % [about to surrender to the burglars] Richie: No no, they might beat us up. Eddie: What and cut our bodies into a thousand different pieces? Richie: And skin us alive. Eddie: And then... put on our skins. Richie: And do foul depraved love-making to our still twitching corpses. Eddie: And eat our livers. Richie: And drink our blood! And play cricket with our hearts! Eddie: Yeah... using our love truncheons as wickets! Richie: And then do weird sort of pagan dancing flapping our skins about the room, and smearing naked girlies' breasts with our throbbing disintegrating brains! Eddie: [pause] It's not much of an option really, is it? % Richie: Haven't you got through to the Pope yet? Dave Hedgehog: [looking at telephone directory] "Pope, G." Richie: What do you mean, "Pope, G."? He's not Pope Gavin is he? He's Pope John Paul. Look under "Pope, J.P."! Dave Hedgehog: J.P. Oh, here he is: "Pope, J.P." I didn't know he lived in Twickenham. % Richie: Now can we just get our equipment out! I mean get our tackle out... no I mean get our GEAR out, oh god! You can't say anything without some dreadful double entendre lurking around the corner! % [sitting round campfire] Richie: What was that film where they ate each other? Eddie: "Deep Throat", wasn't it? % Richie: What did we do? What did we do? Eddie: Well it's your fault for touching up the burly Ferris wheel attendant. Richie: I thought she was a girl. Eddie: They were pectorals you fool! Richie: Well she had an earring. Eddie: Yeah, through HER foreskin. Richie: Yes, which I found out later much to my distress! % Richie: What about pin the tail on the donkey? Eddie: We haven't got a donkey. Richie: Well er, pin the tail on the chicken. Eddie: We haven't got a tail. Richie: Well pin the sausage on the chicken. Eddie: We haven't got a chicken. Richie: Well pin the sausage on the fridge. Eddie: Or a pin. Richie: Sellatope a sausage to the fridge. Eddie: We haven't got a sausage. Richie: Put a bit of Sellotape on the fridge! Eddie: Not much of game is it. % Pawnbroker: Oh, there's a nice little piece of object d'art! Must be worth at least two an' a half grand... I'll give yer 1 pound 50 for it! Eddie: Uhh... let's haggle. Pawnbroker: OK, a quid. Eddie: No, let's haggle upwards. Pawnbroker: OK, 50p! Eddie: God, they don't call you Larry The Bastard for nothing, do they? Pawnbroker: No. They call me Ted. % Richie: Oh Eddie How do you actually drive a car? Eddie: Well you get the wires under the radio, and jam them together until the engine fires up. Then you drink another can of special brew, aim at the post office and put a brick on the accelerator! Richie: Riiigght! Well I'm just going to use the key and see what happens. % [Eddie and Richie are about to attempt to do push ups] Richie: Okay. Une, Due, trois and Achtungh! [pause as they are still lying face down on the floor] Richie: How's it going? Eddie: Like a dream mate. Richie: You mean the kind of dream where you can't do push ups? Eddie: That's the one. % Richie: Let's just be economical with the truth, errrm, something, buck, yeah hot young buck. Eddie: What about badger? Richie: No, no I'm more a sort of... Eddie: HEDGHOG! Richie: No fox! That's good, no that is good. Eddie: Stoat! Richie: Foxy Stoat? Yeah! It's gotta a ring to it... foxy stoat seeks... Eddie: Pig! Richie: Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! Oh Shut up Eddie! % [Eddie dressed up as Death] Eddie: All right then mortal. I can see you're eager to keep your life. How's about I offer you a straight deal? Richie: A deal? Sure. No problem. Great. Eddie: How much money have ya got in the house? Richie: Oh, none. Eddie: What about the three hundred pounds on top of the bathroom cabinet? Richie: How do you know about that? Eddie: God, I keep telling you mate. I'm Death, I know everything. Richie: Everything? What, even about the... .? Eddie: Especially that you naughty boy. Richie: All right. I'll get the money, just don't tell anybody. You wait right here. % Woman: And your name? Eddie: Edward Hitler Women: Ooh, any relation? Eddie: Well... I've got a mother Women: No, no I meant to Adolf Hitler Eddie: Yes that's her. % [In the park] Richie: Yes this is a nice spot, a sort of natural... Eddie: Shithole? % [after being flashed by a man in the park] Richie: You wonder why they do it don't you? I mean with something as small as that. % [Woken up in his tent by owl-like sounds] Richie: Eddie there's someone outside doing owl impressions. [Hooting noise] Richie: And not very good ones either. % Richie: I'm still not asleep you know. I think it might be this sleeping bag, it's letting in a draft. Eddie: Oh my heart bleeds! % Richie: Eddie are you carrying a torch for her? Eddie: [looks down] No it's just the way my trousers rubbed up % [Richie is carrying the turkey to the table on a tray] Richie: Cor what a magnificent bird Eddie, Spudgun, Dave: Where? % Richie: Ew, I nearly kissed you on the knob then. % Eddie: I'd rather cut off my penis with a rusty bread knife. % Richie: Well yes, I can see your point. Eddie: It's this new skirt, it racks up very easily. % Richie: I've done it mentally. Boy, have I done it mentally. Look at that bicep! You're bloody lucky I didn't hit you with that one, mate! % Eddie: My Great-Uncle Percy was in the trenches of the first world war. You know what he used to say? Richie: What? Eddie: AAH! BLOODY HELL! GERMANS! THOUSANDS OF 'EM! AAAH! % Richie: I've got an excellent idea! Eddie: What is it? Richie: PANIC! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! % Eddie: I'll have a pint of mild in a half-pint glass. % Eddie: [slyly] Nice weather we're having. Dick Head: [bluntly] It's raining. Eddie: Enough with the pleasantries... drinks all round., Dick Head: Of course there's drinks all round, it's a pub! % Eddie: They're the Queen's jugs. Richie: A. The Queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B. If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver, she'd save 'em up for the fifty! Eddie: If you have a look at my fifty, you may find it a bit more risque. [Richie glances at it and winces] Richie: Eddie, that's tantamount to treason!... She's got three knockers! Eddie: No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle. Richie: Are you insane? You couldn't buy these under the counter in Hamburg! Eddie: That's the point, mate. The barkeeper will be so mesmerised by the classy erotica, I'll have had ten pints by the time he realises how crap the squiggly lines are! % Eddie: That, my friend, is Welsh money. Richie: They don't have any Welsh money! Spudgun: No wonder they all vote Labour. % Eddie: Look at this paper. Did you know Margaret Thatcher's grandparents were homosexual Martians? Lucky I read that, I was gonna vote labour. % Eddie: All for one and one for all! You go first, I've got a bad leg. Dick Head: So, Eddie... Eddie: My name is Deirdre Barber. Spudgun: Mine too. Eddie: [pointing to Hedgehog] Him too. Dick Head: Well, Deirdres... % Richie: You know mate, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, if we ever get back to Blighty, I'm really gonna change the way I live... find a piece of land, find a beautiful woman, hell, maybe even raise a few kids Eddie: Aaaah quit dream'n skip, we're never going to pull through to the other side of this one Richie: No you've got to dreeeeam Eddie. You've got to hold on to the dreeeeeam! Eddie: Can I ask you a question? Richie: Shoot from the hip Eddie, that's always been your style. Eddie: WHY ARE WE TALKING SUCH COMPLETE AND UTTER BOLLOCKS? [proceeds to beat Richie] % Richie: We're really the guuuys aren't we? % Richie: So Spudgun, tell me about this road sign - sounds great. % Richie: So Spudgun, ... why do they call you Spudgun? Spudgun: Well, gimme a potato and I'll show you why. Eddie: No, Richie. You don't want to see that. Richie: Oh, well, why do they call you Hedgehog? Dave Hedgehog: Gimme a hedgehog and I'll show you why. % Richie: [being forced to pay off Skullcrusher, an irate forger] Is there some sort of problem, officer? 'Skullcrusher' Henderson: I can't take this money. It's been forged! Eddie: No it's not! 'Skullcrusher' Henderson: Yes it is! I'm the one who forged it! [holds up a note and points to where the Queen's face should be] 'Skullcrusher' Henderson: Look, that ain't the Queen, it's Danny LaRue! Eddie: Well, it's A queen! % [Richie is trying to get pity from his aunt] Richie: Quick, sprinkle a bit of water all over the place so it looks like we've been crying a lot. % [the boys believe they've just killed the meter reader] Eddie: Hey! Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just stunned! Why don't you give him the Kiss of Life? Richie: Yeah! [pause, disgusted look] Richie: No I will NOT! You sad pervy! We've got a dead body in the house and your first idea is to sexually assault it! % [Richie tries to impress his date, Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Ovlomov Boblomov Dob, third viscountess of Moldavia] Richie: What was it Shakespeare used to say? Eddie: [dressed as a butler] Um..."Hello, my dear. I'm a playwriter, you know. Come on, give us a snog". Richie: No, Eddie! Eddie: Um..."Where's my quill? Bloody Hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?" Richie: [laughing nervously] No, really! What was it he used to say? Eddie: "What do you mean, it's crap? There's eight bodies at the end, and he gets to shag his Mum!" [Richie punches Eddie in the groin] % [Drunken man enters the bar, singing, he trips, and falls down] Richie: That's Tight-mouthed Larry, the bookmaker! [Larry is heard vomiting on the floor] Eddie: He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he? % Eddie: So, er, what did you do then? Falklands War Vet: Well, I'd rather not talk about it. Eddie: Why? Is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you? Falklands War Vet: Quite the opposite, actually. Eddie: What, you sucked water in through your eyes? % [Eddie and Richie are watching the Carnival parade from their window] Richie: Oh, I love carnival time! Look at that policeman over there! Eddie: Which one? Richie: The one jumping up and down, waving his arms. Eddie: The one that's on fire? Richie: Yeah! Eddie: Now well, he's got no one to blame but himself, it was him who started it all by appealing for calm! Richie: Is it? [to policeman] Richie: Provocative bastard! % [Eddie and Richie are watching the Carnival parade from their window] Richie: Did you see the floats? Eddie: I thought I flushed it! % [Eddie's stack of Malibu has been stolen] Eddie: [shouts] We've been burgled! Richie: Well, you may have been, young man, but I have never in my life! As a Christian, I am so tightly clenched - oh, oh, *burgled*! % [Eddie and Richie are pretending to be a newly-wed couple, Eddie dressed as the woman] Eddie: These saucy honeymoon undies are a bit on the cutting severe side. Richie: Don't you worry, Eddie, you could always take 'em off later. Or maybe I'll rip 'em off with my bare teeth - [to himself] Richie: oh no, it's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's Eddie! It's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's not a girl, it's Eddie! Oh God, I hope I don't get drunk! % [Richie is making a list for the holidays] Richie: What else do we need for the beach? Eddie: Um, tetanus jabs? Richie: Ooh yes! Better make an appointment to see doctor Wildthroat for a booster. Eddie: He's not a Doctor of Medicine, you know. Richie: Well, I know, yes, but he's cheap! Eddie: Gave you rabies last year! Richie: But it only cost three quid! Come on, Eddie, beggars can't be choosers! Eddie: No, but they can froth at the mouth and eat the furniture! % Richie: [making a list for things to take on holiday] Ooh, condoms! Eddie: Well, we can take last year's, can't we? Richie: But have we got any left? Eddie: Yeah. All of 'em! Richie: Thank God for that! I hate going to the chemist's! Keep thinking my Mum will find out. I mean, buying johnnies is just a constant embarrassment! Eddie: What do you mean, you've only done it once! That was back in 1977! Richie: Hey, hey, it's a bloody convincing performance, though! That shop assistant could've sworn I was French! Eddie: Yeah, maybe that's why you came out with 50 tubes of pile cream as well! Richie: Yes, well, maybe my mime was a little indistinctive, yes, but you know, I mean, it was worth the daytrip to Birmingham just to find a chemist who didn't know us, you know! I mean, it might have been a long way round just to buy a threepack of johnnies we never use, but I'll tell you what: there's been no piles in this house since 1977! % Eddie: [answering the door] Hello. Mormon: Hello. Have you ever thought what a beautiful place the Earth is? Eddie: Yes, I have. Thank you! [knocks the man off the stairs] Eddie: Charming man. % Eddie: I got a free police baton. Richie: Whoo, interesting! Let's have a look! Eddie: Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it at the moment [points towards his bottom] Eddie: . Richie: Nasty! Eddie: Yeah, it's one of those new long ones as well. With the side handle. It's playing Merry Hell with my liver. % Eddie: [to Richie] How's your sausage? Richie: [looking surprised] 's A bit personal, isn't it? Oh, I see, you mean my *sausage*! [points at frying pan] Eddie: Yes? Richie: You're asking me about my sausage? Eddie: Sausage, yes? Richie: Not my penis? Eddie: [astonished] No! Richie: Oh, thank heavens for that! Well, what can I tell you, Eddie, it's an absolute disaster! I just can't get the hang of this cooking lark! I mean, you put the sausage in the pan, you set it on fire, and what happens? It gets incinerated! Eddie: Well, maybe we should eat our flakes? [Richie looks disgusted] Eddie: [Eddie holds up a box of cornflakes] Richie: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I see what you mean, yes! I think I'm getting "double entendre disease"! Eddie: Can I drink your juice? Richie: [looking revolted, then realizing] Oh! Oh, yes! Yes, of course, go ahead! I think I'm going mad this morning! [knocking on the front door] Eddie: Someone's giving our knocker a damn good banging! I'd better go see who it is! Richie: Righty 'o! I'll grab a hold of my sausage and give it a good seeing-to! % Eddie: Hey! I've just had a fantastic idea! Richie: Oh great! [Eddie starts swigging his pint of mild for quite some time, before stopping] Richie: Well? Eddie: What? Richie: What was the fantastic idea? Eddie: [pointing to empty glass] To drink that! % Eddie: I got a result. Richie: I don't call a kick in the nackers a result. Eddie: A free drink. Richie: Oh yes, of course, a kick in the nackers and a vodka & tonic in the face. Eddie: Always keep your mouth open when your insulting a lady. % Richie: What happened to those packet of rubber johnnies we used to have? Eddie: We stuck them on our heads, remember, when Norman came round with that sherry. % Richie: Come back to my place because we're going to have it off... Husband: What do you think your doing with my wife? Eddie: He's gonna have it off with her! % Richie: Blasted lesbians everywhere! They should have labels on them or something! % Richie: Hello, Big Tits, looking for some action? % Richie: Oh, before you go, would you mind kicking Eddie in the bollocks? Man: Don't mind if I do. [Does so] Eddie: Aaagh! % Richie: I'll never walk again! I'll never play tennis! You'll have to carry me to the toilet! AHH! You'll see my knob! % Richie: Get the ambulance! Eddie: We haven't got an ambulance. % Eddie: Would madame care for a hor's durve? % Richie: Now, what are we gonna do? Eddie: Shit our pants?! Richie: No, I've already done that! % Eddie: Good evening, your majesty! I can see your pants for here! % Eddie: Ahh! Welcome to Eddie's Bar! % Eddie: [While smacking Richie with the fridge door] They say TV encourages vilance! But i'm smashing his face in, and we haven't got one! % Richie: Don't sneak up on me like that, you know what us war vetarans are like. They didn't call us the "Desert Scorpions" for nothing you know! Eddie: No. They called you that, because you're small, unpleasent and rather poisonous! % Richie: [singing] "God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay. Remember....uhh. % Richie: You're a philostine Edward Hitler! It took me twenty minutes to paint that! [Richie on his self portrait that Eddie smashed over his head] % [Richie writing his new commandments] Richie: One, everyone has to give me all their money. Two, all the girls in the world have to take their tops down now. NOW! Three, no-one is allowed to hit me ever again. [The door opens suddenly and whacks him in the face] % Eddie: Richie, no! I told you never to sniff the milk, you crazy mad fool!! % Richie: It's really good for you, Special-K. Keeps you fit. And it makes you poo regularly! % Eddie: [on phone] Thank you very much Mr. Morning and good bastard. % Eddie: Hey, this is Wimbledon common, isn't it? Richie: Yes. Eddie: Hey, i wonder how much meat you get on a womble. Richie: Eddie, wombles don't exist. Eddie: Oh yes they do, i've seen them on the telly. Richie: Eddie, would it scar you for life if i told you they were just puppets? Eddie: Yes it would. Richie: Good, EDDIE THEY WERE JUST PUPPETS! Eddie: Well what's that then? Richie: It's a.. ARRGGGHHHH! It's a... Eddie that is a hedgehog Eddie: No it's not. That is Great Uncle Bulgaria Richie: Well if it's Great Uncle Bulgaria, then the series have taken a sad turn for the worse, cause he's wondering about in the nude. Eddie: Phhwoarrrrrrr! The Womble have gone X- rated! (Edit) % Eddie: Hey Richie, this is Wimbledon Common right? Richie: Yes? Eddie: I wonder how much meat you get on a Womble. Richie: Would it scar you for life if I told you they were just puppets? Eddie: Yes it would. Richie: Good. EDDIE THEY ARE JUST PUPPETS!!! Eddie: Then what's that? Richie: Eddie that's a hedgehog. Eddie: No it's not. It's Great Uncle Bulgaria. Richie: Well the series must have taken a turn for the worst because he's naked! Eddie: "The Wombles Go X-rated"! % Richie: (reading Eddie's poorly spelt note) Dear Richie. I am in the pube with the holeday moaney. (Pause) Oh no! He means the holiday money! Bastard! [Runs around frantically, and then straight through the wall] % Richie: But he gave us a really interesting offer. Eddie: What, turn up with the money by Christmas or we die? % Richie: This isn't Desmond Limon. It's you in a wig. Eddie: Yeap. That's me. [Lines up for a big kick into Richie's defenceless testicles] % Richie: Eddie, this is no time for you to be an ugly, ignorant, no-brained arsehead from hell. % Richie: [Pleading with Eddie to let him into the room] Eeeeeeeeedddddddddddddiiiiiiieeeeeeee? [Eddie opens the door and extends a blow-torch holding hand, and sets fire to Richie's bollocks] % Eddie: Let me give you a tip. If you're ever pretending to be a lesbian, keep you're tackle really well hidden. % "You ignorant English wankaaaaa!!!!" [Richie impersonating the Welsh cricketer "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones] % Richie: (After drinking pig sperm) Oh god, oh god, oh god how infanitly depressing. Surely things can't get any worse than this... Eddie: Oh yes they can... Richie: How? Eddie: Well, this could happen. Richie: What? [Eddie continuiously knees Richie in the face] % [Reading the sign of Eddie's Bar] Richie: Edies Bra... % Richie's gravestone: Here Lies the Fat Twat, Piss Here. % Richie: Oooohhhh, ooooooohhhhhhh, oh, oh, oh, Ohhhhhh, Oh, Eddie! % Eddie: I said to myself, Richie... (!) You got your name wrong, your name is Eddie, you are still pissed. % Richie: What is the bright side of having a sofa up your arse? Eddie: You can sit down while you stand up. % Richie: Shove over, I can't see. I can only see one nipple! % Richie: Quick, Eddie, give me a stiff one...Cor thats the stuff!! What was it? % Richie: Christ! I nearly got wanker's whiplash then! % Richie: I don't think you've been hanging around with the right sort of monkey. Do they have short hair, moustaches and go to discotheques? % Richie: I gave you one pound fifty in good faith - where is my bit of halibut? % Richie: Seven eggs...washing-up liquid...hint of Domestos...Jif micro-liquid where are you? Here I am! % Richie: Sprouts Mexicane! % Richie: Christ almighty, it's Guy Fawkes' bottom! % Richie: Steep! Its effing vertical!! % Richie: Crickey O'Blimey! I knew my crumpometer was going doolally % Richie: Hey guys, check out the nursie jug fest at table two! % Richie: That's where you're wrong, because I look FANTASTIC! % Richie: The Queen's...jugs? Eddie, A: the Queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty; and B: she would hardly get them out on the back of a fiver. She'd save them up for the fifty. % Richie: You can't go, because...I love you! I love you, and I can't live without you.....at least not for the next eight minutes. % Richie: Oh...Testicles. % Richie: Well, I showed him...how to completely beat the shit out of me. % Richie: I've just turned into just a sort of Marilyn Monroe figure around here, haven't I? % Richie: Eddie...Why have you put barbed wire down the middle of the toilet? % Richie: I bring good news and bad. There's a yoghurt, but if you want to eat it you'll have to shave it first. There's also a sausage, but it already appears to have been digested...twice! % Richie: Welsh Cannibals! % Richie: Is my Skid-Mark showing? % Richie: It's no good. I think I've reached my bottom. % Richie: Yes, Eddie. The Scottish are allowed to be transvestites. % Richie: And if I may say so, what a charming smashing blouse you've got on. % Richie: Oh but, oh, but oh, but oh, ooh oh but, but oh, Natasha you are so beautiful! And may I say so what a charming, smashing blouse you have on. % Richie: Hillo! Arongie bom, clog dyke windmill... SHIT!! % Richie: I think our diet has got something to do with what we eat! % Richie: I said brick, Eddie... Not Penis!! % Richie: You know, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, I think I'm going to change the way I live. I'm going to get back to Blighty, find myself a piece of land, find myself a beautiful woman...Heck! Maybe even raise some kids. % Richie: Go on, there's a pen. Write down "I'm sorry". Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat". Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat" 10 times. I will wait over by the television until you are ready. % Richie: Right everybody, shut up, shut up. I'm here at last, hello. Now lets get things sorted out. I want all the boys over here with my birthday presents, and all the cracking birds over here, ready to give me my big birthday kiss. % Richie: Hello, get me the prime minister....because I want to blackmail him....Richard Richard....OH SHIT!! % Richie: Fifteen minutes. Not much in it for me, is there? Nah, must be a misprint, must mean seconds. % Richie: Eddie, what in the name of greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck?! % Richie: You thorough and total wank biscuit! % Richie: Marooned! % Richie: God save the Quim Eddie. % Richie: Oh God look at me - I look like i've been maturbating for a month! % Richie: Well, thank you Lord for making me such a nice person. Yep, there's not many of us are there -- just me, Jesus and Mahatma Gandhi. And actually I'm a lot nicer than them two. Ho ho... I mean, Jesus had his problems, but he didn't have to put Eddie to bed every night! % Richie: Eddie Eddie Eddie! You were born in Southampton! WOW! Why did you ever leave? % Richie: Do your balls hang low, can you swing them to and fro? Can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie em in a bow? Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling? Oh you'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low! % Richie: So what did I do with the sun-tan lotion... Eddie: You put that in your ham sandwich. Richie: But I ate that......... why didn't you tell me?! Eddie: Because I don like you very much. % Richie: Thats why I never got a shag! % Richie: Foxy stoat seeks pig. % Richie: GAS MAN! GAS MAN! GAS MAN! % Richie: See you in a mo. A sex mo. % Richie: And you, 500 birds! I said no bikinis! % Richie: I always knew I was different from other people! % Richie: Oh sod off! Go on, sod off!! Get to soddery! % Richie: Hey Ho, another day. Good morning world. You Bastard! % Richie: Sod off you do-gooding bastards! % Richie: Marvellous banter, Eddie; I am bereft of ribs. Would you like to dally with the truth for a while? % Richie: Come on, Eddie, it's time we faced up to our responsibilities. % Richie: For the purpose of this conversation, I am my auntie. % Richie: Well thats just effing marvellous, isnt it Eddie? % Richie: Go A-squad? % Richie: Oh, capricious fortune plays her cards with me like a Mississippi boat-whore. % Richie: He left some kayak on my beach. % Richie: Danger. Le nuclear bomb. Oh it's all in French! % Richie: Do you want some of this, do you want some? % Richie: Monica, ha...monica. You were the first, and you were the last. You took my cherry - right off!! % Richie: Hello Big Tits, fancy some action? % Richie: I dont think I've got time to grow a beard! % Richie: Eddie! I've made your favorite........a pickled onion sandwich! % Richie: Oh languish languish l-ang-gu-is-h! % Richie: Beaches....palm trees......BAM-BOO! Palm trees....beaches......BAM-BOO! sand......trees............BAM-BOO! % Richie: Marooned! Maroooned! Marooooooooned! Oh, God I wish I had a thesaurus. % Richie: So let me get this right - vicars can only go sideways, well there's no surprise there, and the Queen goes in all directions, and apparently if a prawn goes all the way it turns into a queen? And they let children play this game you say? % Richie: Night Night, sleep tight. Hope the bed bugs do not bite. If they do, do a poo. Stick it in an irish stew. Into the ambulance dring dring dring. Fish trousers elephant in Peking. Saw a busy bee tiddle tiddle dee. Daddys an accountant just like me. Night Night god bless. % Richie: God, I've often thought this. You know how girl angels have these big wings at the back? Does that, like, preclude them from fastening their bras at the back? I know it's a holy place and we've all done art O level, but rummin' blime it must be a bit of a jugfest up there! No wonder all the bloke angels flap about the place blowing their own trumpets!! So god, if you could see your way through to give me some sort of sign whether I should go through with all of this, 'cause if it's gonna be all whipping and screaming and leather and restraints, then obviously... ....I'm on! Hey, then it doesn't matter which way i'm going. It's a sort of universal jug-o-rama!! % Richie: Eddie, pop your insane leaking brain back in its sponge bag for one minute and concentrate. Now womble or not, that is our supper % Richie: I am eight inches long and 3 inches around. What an amazing bloke! I wonder what his knob's like! % Richie: Don't you dare call me overweight young man! % Richie: Well, you learn something new every day, and today I've learned that you're a complete bastard. % Richie: Elm tea. The gypsies swear by it. % Richie: You must, you must, you must drink our tea! % Richie: Once upon a time, there, there was a big forest. And in the middle of the forest, there lived...some trousers. Called...Dave. % Richie: Cigarette m'dear? Don't mind if I do m'dear. Here, have a bit of a biro to smoke it through. Ooh, ta very much! % Richie: How dare you call me overweight! % Richie: Alright, alright, I don't wanna rip me tights. % Richie: I feel just just like Noel Wild today! % Richie: You poor sad deformed urban pustule! % Richie: Look out everybody, I'm about to blow my trousers off in merriment at Eddie's sarcasm. % Richie: Stop talking to the fucking fish! % Richie: You really are a sad, used tampon aren't you Eddie? % Richie: Oh will you stop.. wibbeling on.. like some kind of GIRL who's TRYING to HAVE a PERIOD! % Richie: Of course she's not going to have an orgasm Eddie, she's a girl! % Richie: Edward Hitler get into the lavatory with me this instant! % Richie: Do your balls hang low, can you swing them to and fro? Can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie em in a bow? Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling? Oh you'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low!